Decoding Santa
by Thaigher Lillie
Summary: Santa was a Prick, or should i say Edward. What kind of creep breaks into your house looking for a Christmas list? Rather than ask questions first, i did what Charlie always taught me to do if the house had a intruder. I SHOT HIM.
1. Bad Santa

**New story, Angst:fluff. Read it love. It if anybody else has a talking asshole of a reindeer. Tell them I thought of it first lmao.**

**Disclaimer: I dont' own twilight. Stephanie M does. and you all know Edward's sparkly ass would be running around that meadow if he were mine.**

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It was beautiful , and chilly night. Even though the conditions were not favorable, a job still had to been done. It wouldn't be the first time bad weather occurred in the region of the North Pole, and it surely wouldn't be the last. Safety precautions were made as Rudolph was once again selected to lead the way of the journey. While take-off precautions were being taken care of, the elves were just about finishing up the Letter Bag, when the familiar cheery chiming could be heard. No one could miss the loud, bellowing jingles of the sleigh and reindeer bells. The excitement in the room, soared as the tiny workers began to work faster at their mending. A new curious elf ,

not sure of why this bag had such importance for it being so early was confused at the turn of events. " It is not Christmas, why are we making the bags so early?" he asked.

A high, tiny voice from the H.E.I.C informed his curiosity, "Well, the letter bag is the bottomless pit of bags used to collect this years Christmas letters from children to adults alike. Whether or not they believed in Santa Claus, does not stop him from spreading the Christmas cheer and happiness," she said, with a toothy grin, as they continue to sew and sing.

Even though the elves and helpers were at work, not everyone was preparing for a journey. This year was different. This year, after 312 years of service, the most recent Santa, Carlisle, had found the one thing most Santa's his age were never able to find. He had finally found his immortal love. When Carlisle found Esme, it was love at first sight and he wanted to spend every waking minute with her. Technically they were still considered newly weds, though they had married 70 years ago in our time.

Carlisle had decided to retire his Santa disguise and pass it on to the next Santa in line. He wanted more time with his wife and was determined to get it. But there was always another side to his happiness. Fear. The next Santa to take over, was his wild, rebellious nephew Edward. Edward didn't follow a rule given to him, and as a Santa, everything has to be planned, or in human words, the shit could hit the fan.

Although, Carlisle was a bit reluctant to let Edward take over, he had no choice, it was either continue to the job himself and leave Esme, or let Edward who was but 109 years old finally take over. He had chosen the latter and prayed to the heavens, that things went without a hitch; but Carlisle couldn't fight the feeling that something was about to go terribly wrong tonight, so he decided to make a few calls to ensure things would go as smoothly as possible for the first time Santa….

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3 Hours Later:

Edward had begun to put the finishing touches on the Santa disguise. He absolutely detested putting the vile suit on, but it had to be done. The suit was fitted with magic and would bload up into a fat suit as soon as a warm body entered it. He had a hard time wobbling in it , and cursed the elf that brought him his snow boots a size too small. Once he stood up, he grabbed the last remaining piece of the disguise, his hat. He took one last look at his clean shaven face, and sparkling green eyes. He brought a hand through his shaggy, red mane, and finally deemed himself ready. "Here goes nothing," he said as he placed the hat on his head. The transformation was instant. His face was contorted until age lines appeared on his fore-head and indented in his cheeks. His skin lost the vibrant slightly pink flush and paled. His eyes turned into a twinkling grey as did his hair and eyebrows. He touched his fattening cheeks and sighed with disgust, "why am I doing this again?" he asked himself.

"Simply because I said so, not to mention that you love children also," a hearty voice chuckled. Edward swung around to see his uncle standing in the doorway watching him.

"Are you ready?" Carlisle asked.

"As I'll ever be," he retorted, as an aged smirk crept across his face.

" Well then boy let's get you going," Carlisle bellowed, as he patted Edward on the back, leading him outside towards the sleigh.

Once they were outside, Edward noticed the wide and yearning smile Esme gave his uncle, yet they had only been apart for a few minutes. He even noticed some of the elves coupling together. A tinge of jealousy over came him, but after 109 years, he was good at hiding the emotion. He yearned to have what they had, but he knew that like most immortals in this business, love was hard to find. Carlisle was the first Santa in 2000 years to have found his misses and everyone couldn't be happier, but it made Edward's heart ache to know, that he may never have the chance to finding his one. He sighed and walked towards the sleigh as everyone gathered around to see him off. He petted the heads of each reindeer, but one. Blitzen. The bastard of the group. Neither he nor Edward could stand each other. Their hatred began at his birth and would end at their deaths. Edward knew that the bastard deer would give him a hard time, but he held the reigns, he'd make sure that he had total control whether Blitzen agreed with that or not. He decided to past over Blitzen, not wanting to start a argument before the journey. He passed him up and showered attention on the rest of the group, but instead of being an understanding gesture, it was taken as humiliation. Blitzen was angered beyond belief. Although he couldn't stand Edward, he couldn't believe he would humiliate him that way, especially in front of his brethren. He'd show that prick of a Santa if that was the last thing he did.

When Edward walked by, Blitzen huffed a strong breath of air, dragged his left hoof back and spat, "Good luck bitch," as his brethren began to laugh.

Edward stopped in his tracks. His body went rigid, and his nostrils flared. He knew the voice of that son of a bitch anywhere. He turned around slowly, narrowing his now grey eyes at the beast who he was considering slaughtering for sausage.

"What did you just say?" he said, through his teeth.

"I said…" Blitzen continued, "Good. Luck. Bitch," he said, emphasizing the last word.

Edward roared with anger and shuffled his now, aged and weighty body towards the animal as fast as he could.

"Bring it on lard ass," Blitzen said, as Edward charged towards him.

" Oh no you don't," Carlisle bellowed, as he and a few workers jumped in to hold Edward back.

" Let me at him, let me at him, I swear I'll mount his head on my-"

"Mantle," they all said, before he could finish.

"Yeah , Yeah, Yeah, Edward we get it, now get in and stay in, You two can fight later, we need to get those list A.S.A.P," Alice said, while strapping him in the sleigh. She gave him a quick hug and left as soon as Carlisle came up.

" Don't mess this up."

"I won't. I'll be back before you know it."

" Good luck, son. Have a safe journey. You too Blitzen, I won't have you mess this up either," Carlisle scolded.

Edward smiled a crooked smile when he saw the reindeer lower it's head and cower. " Check mate bitch," he whispered knowing Blitzen could hear him. The reindeer's eyes light up with fury as Edward composed his smugness and snapped the reins of the sleigh , shouting their names to bring them to attention. After the last name was called, the sleigh was lifted off of the ground and floated away mid-air. Their journey was finally underway.….

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Many Hours Later,

The journey went without a hitch and Edward had one last house to go. Despite his fears of disappointing his Uncle, he carried on a safe and productive journey. Pride swelled in his chest as he came upon the last house in Forks, Washington. It was a tiny, white, two story

house, that had a wooden fence that was lit up, along with a red rust bucket that had those lit up candy canes attached to it in the drive-way.

He maneuvered the sleigh, so the reindeer would land as soft as they could , without disturbing the inhabitants of the home.

As soon as he stepped out of the sleigh, his boot landed with a loud thud on the roof top. He silently cursed himself for being so careless.

He took a moment to listen for any stirring and was satisfied to hear nothing other than the breaths of sleep.

Tip-toeing to the chimney he leaned in head first, without looking and took a puff of smoke and ash to the face. He closed his eyes and backed away from the chimney, coughing and hacking. His body moved so sporadically the he didn't register that he was falling off the roof of the house. He tumbled and rolled until he caught himself on the edge of the roof. The reindeer couldn't help but laugh as he dangled off the edge of the roof. "Look at that jackass, he couldn't even tell the chimmey was lit," Donna squealed. Edward scowled as he spied a plant siding on the house were he was. If he could reach it, he could use the holes to get down as a latter.

He reached out and almost lost his grip, but managed to get a firm hold on the open-holed siding.

Had Edward not been wearing the suit, his plan would've worked, but as soon as he put his second foot on the siding, his foot crashed through, and he screamed like a stuck pig. He instinctively let go and flew backwards, landing upside down on the side of the house. He was hanging feet above the ground, holding onto the siding by the cuff of his pants. His heart was in his chest and he couldn't get a good view of his surroundings. His vision had blurred as the blood rushed to is head. The hat had fallen off and he knew he was in deep, doo doo. It was impossible for him to get a grip on anything dangling upside down…..

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E.P.O.V (1st person).

"Dammit to hell!" I spat as I heard the snickering of those…those… good for nothing deer. I tried to curl up to see if I could reach something, anything, but it was futile. I was destined to dangle here. I heaved a big sigh, and that turned out to be a mistake. The edge of my pants began to tear under the weight of the suit. I wiggled for a split second, when all of a sudden the snow covered ground was rushing towards me. I tried to break my fall with my arms but I only managed to turn myself. My back and ass, broke my fall and the pain was almost blinding. With all the noise I had created I knew I couldn't just lay there. I needed to get in and get out as soon as possible. I rolled over and felt something wet and soggy on my ass. Before I could even figure out what was going on , that bastard Blitzen let me know exactly what kind of a predicament I had found myself in.

" Look at him, He's assed out!" he howled as I stood up trying to shake the pain from my body. I looked down and saw he was right. Though I should've guessed that by the cold draft that was currently whipping my ass.

" What a idiot! Who in their right mind goes commando in 20 below weather," he cackled.

I put up both hands and flipped him off royalty as they all had their good laugh at my sake.

Even though I was on the ground I could see tears rolling down Rudolf's face as he joined in on my humiliation. " I should gut all of them," I whispered, as I searched for my bearings.

I looked around until I found my pants a few feet away from me. The pants leg was torn but it was still in pretty good condition.

I hurriedly put them on and made my way to the front door. It was locked. I knew that, but I had to try. I tried the backdoor and came up fruitless again. I needed to get this letter or this child would have no Christmas. I couldn't let my Uncle or this boy down.

I began to panic as I tried out all the windows of the first level of the house until I reached the last one.

"Bingo!" I shouted, as I found it was unlocked. It was small but big enough for me to fit in. As I hoisted myself up, I clumsily rolled through the window and fell into the tub. My left ankle banged against the sink with a loud ping. My ankle throbbed and I could've sworn I felt a tear or two leave my eye as I bite my tongue to keep from howling out in pain. I was so mad at how this night had turned, that I threw a bar of soap into the wall, watching it dent and land with a low thud on the floor. I got up and let out a slow breath, calming myself. I straighten up the toiletries on the sink and threw the soap away, it was evidence that someone was there and I couldn't let them find any trace of myself. I opened the bathroom door to see if I had woken anyone but nothing was stirring. When I saw the coast was clear, I headed toward the stairs where the kids list said the child would be, but a tantalizing scent wafted through my nostrils and stopped me cold in my tracks. It smelled like sugar and a slight hint of butter. I followed the smell until I reached the coffee table, where a plate of cookies, and not just any cookies, SUGAR COOKIES, were laid out on the small light brown coffee table ready for molestation.

I dropped to my knees and my tongue wagged out of my mouth at the sight of them. There were Christmas designs in red and green sprinkles on top of each and everyone of them. They. Were. Perfect. I ran my hands softly over them as if they were the most precious things in the world. I didn't not care who they were for. For tonight they were….

"Mine!" I growled, as I ripped the saran wrap from the plate and stuffed the first cookie in my mouth. I moaned at the succulent taste as my taste buds tingled with the sweetness of the sprinkles. The cookies were soft and damn near melted on my tongue. I stuffed one after another into my mouth, groaning; I just couldn't get enough. "Oh , God," I moaned, when I tasted the cookies with the green sprinkles. My body had inched closer and closer towards the plate as I ate. I was so lost in the taste of my guilty pleasure, that I forgot where I was, until I heard the distinct click and sharp snap of a gun.

" I …Was...Fucked….."

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**Next chapter update. TOmmorow. Liked it? Not your average Christmas FIc? review tell me about it!**

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**thanks to this stories beta, Cullensmother05 *luv her to bits***


	2. Plumbers Butt

**Yeah yeah yeah. Late right? I know, this chapter took A WHOLE day to write. It has a bit backstory, but the humor you're waiting for is waiting for you later on in the chapter. Happy reads. Partially beta'd, i'll post the re-beta'd version when i get it back sorry (cullensmother05) I had to post earlier i'll switch it soon. Next chapter probably later on tonight, some days might be double or triple updates, so be on the lookout.****

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****Chapter 2 : Bella Third person,**

**12:00am Dec, 17th**

Bella closed the door to the spare room in her old home with a relieved smile on her face. She leaned her back against the door and let out a breath of relief. Tonight she would finally be able to sleep peacefully, knowing that the child behind that door was finally safe and within her reach. It had been a long treacherous experience, but that little boy was stronger than any adult she knew. He had been through hell, yet everyday he managed to smile just for her. Bella walked quietly to her room and immediately gravitated towards her desk drawer where she took out the small key, dangling on her necklace, and began to unlock the smallest drawer pulling out the thick, cream colored document with the legal seal. She beamed as soon as she held it in front of her; it was the official temporary custody certificate, stating that four year old, Jacob Black-Swan was a step away from being officially hers.

Nothing could separate the two of them. Although, Jake and Bella may seem to have an impending happy ending; Jake's beginning was nothing short of a nightmare. On August 8th,2006 Jacob Black was born to Leah Micloute Black and Paul Clear. Paul was a drug addict, but he didn't start out that way. He used to be a good, hard worker. He had a nice job, and a loving girlfriend with a beautiful son, whom he cherished with all his heart. Paul was absolutely thrilled to be having his first son with Leah. He loved her immensely, there was no one else for him. She was his for life. Towards the third month of Jacob's life, Paul was fired without notice. They were already living as comfortable as they could on their planned budget, but without a source, the money became scarce quicker than you could blink an eye. They needed money fast, and there was only one way he felt he could do it.

Paul became a dealer, but like many who fell into the trap of becoming a street pharmacist, he became a user as well. Due to his habits, Paul owed a lot of men, and they even left the harsh evidence on his face when he couldn't make his payments. Paul's habit grew worse and he became very abusive when Leah couldn't come up with the money to provide for his habit and his debts. He felt that not only was his money for him, but Leah's money was his also. When he discovered that she was hiding money from him to take care of Jake, his anger had turned from one of them, to both of them. On one terrible afternoon, Leah had seen a different side of Paul other than his fist. Paul had left Jake at 3 years old, in a sweltering car while he got his fix and high with a group of friends outside of Port Angeles. When Leah was met at work by Police officials, she was devastated. Jake had almost lost his life due to Paul's negligence. When she brought up the issue of Jake almost being taken away, Paul was so high he told her he didn't care. In his own words, "one less mouth to feed." She was distraught. The argument her and Paul got into went from words to blows. Unable to take another punch to the face, a sore faced Leah, grabbed her keys and rushed out of the house to join Jake at her father's place. She had decided to finally take that step in leaving Paul. She wouldn't put her only son in danger; no man was worth the life of her son. She climbed in the cab of her truck just as an irate Paul burst out of the house shaking and screaming her name. She hurled the car backwards and sped off towards the other side of the reservation. She took her eyes off the road for only a split second, but in that one second, that one mistake, cost her- her life. Her navy blue, F1-50 slammed into the side of a side railing on a steep cliff. She lost control of the vehicle as it swirled and flipped over the railing, crashing into the rocks below…

Although, Billy didn't have much, Jake was provided for and didn't want anything when he spent the weekends with his grandfather. With the help of his God-Daughter Isabella's babysitting skills, and his best friend Charlie's support, Jake always had someone around who loved him when his mother had to work. Although, Billy couldn't understand why his daughter, Leah chose to be with someone so odd. He didn't voice his concerns with his daughter until it involved the situation with Jake in the hospital. That was the first argument he and his daughter had ever gotten into about her relationship with her boyfriend, little did he know, it would be the last.

Things were going well that night, Bella was tickling Jake by the fire place and Charlie was helping Billy fry fish for dinner. The swans fell in love with Jake as soon as they set eyes on him. Even though they weren't blood related, they loved each other as if they were. Billy looked at Bella, and Leah came to mind. He couldn't let his baby girl distance herself from him. He planned to rectify him and Leah's relationship as soon as possible. When he heard the doorbell ring, a smile lit up his face as he rolled his wheelchair to the door, knowing he was about to see his daughter. "Leah!" he trailed off, as the smile fell off his face. It was one of the officers from the police department, terribly informing him of Leah's death. The news of Leah's death killed Billy. In the following weeks after her funeral, his health went in a downward spiral.

Charlie and Isabella helped with the care of Jake, while Billy's health began to steadily fail. Paul still allowed Jake to visit Billy, though he never did. On august 8th 2010, 6 weeks after Leah's death, Billy black was laid to rest.

Not even two weeks after Billy had died, Jake was admitted to Forks Memorial Hospital with a broken arm. When the doctor asked Paul what happened to Jake's arm, the lie that flowed out of his mouth had the doctor calling C.P.S. and the police chief immediately. The Doctor decided to keep Paul in his office while he talked to the chief about Paul's suspected foul play. When the chief asked how Jake broke his arm, the doctor repeated the words that Paul swore by in his office, "He fell down the stairs at home."

Charlie knew the area where Paul presumably stayed and there weren't any two story homes there. Charlie shot of out the hospital and back to the station to issue a warrant of search on Paul's house. Although against the rules, after Charlie finished the paper work, he gathered a few officers and hauled ass to the address Paul so stupidly gave to the hospital. The worry he had when he illegally searched Paul's house dissipated when his eyes set on the most disgusting place for a child to be raised. The one story, three roomed shack was filthy. There were dirty dishes everywhere. Not a surface in the open living room was clean. Charlie had jumped back a step when a family of roaches darted across the room. They scanned the area and began to search the rooms one by one. The officers were amazed that the only clean room in the house was the room where Paul kept the huge amount of narcotics stashed. Charlie sent out an apb to have them arrest Paul on site, while he kept searching the house. When they found Jake's room they almost gagged. There was a mattress on the floor, dirt and grime was everywhere, there were even traces of blood on the wall. An older officer lost his lunch when he had found a pair of batman underwear, bloodied in the sink. Charlie clenched his jaw and his tightened fist shook as he eyed a worn, long, thick, and bloodied belt hanging in the corner of Jake's room…..

Although Charlie ordered the immediate arrest of Paul, they were never able to catch him. During the time when the police were searching his house, somehow Paul, was informed and tried his hardest to get them to discharge Jake, but hospital staff wouldn't release him. When the hospital guards came for Paul, he had effectively escaped without a trace.

Unfortunately when Jake was medically released from the hospital, Charlie tried his best to get temporary custody of Jake to keep him out of the foster care system, but since he was police chief and tied in with the case, his request was denied. When Charlie told Bella, she was devastated, but determined even though she was only 21. She'd do anything to keep the boy she thought of as family with the ones who cared about him the most.

She knew raising him would be hard, but she wanted Jake safe, and as close to her as possible. She loved him more than anything, and would do whatever she had to do to protect him. When Bella appealed for guardianship for Jake, her relationship with Chief Swan was overlooked and the tedious process of guardianship had begun and the rest was history….

**Bella's P.O.V First person.**

I sighed as I thought of the memories that led Jake to me. I still can't believe someone so small had survived through all of those trials. I didn't know if adults could've survived what he had went through. My blood boiled when I thought of the asshole who held the strongest hand in Jake's abuse. Paul Clear. He was a spineless son of a bitch, and I couldn't stand the ground he walked on. He had been missing for weeks. He was deemed by the Police department as armed and dangerous, however, if he ever came near Jake, he'd meet up with an extremely protected, armed, and dangerous bitch. I already looked at Jake as my own flesh and blood and would gladly give my life to keep him safe. I placed the documents back into the drawer and locked it. I checked the windows of the room, making sure every one of them was securely locked; I didn't want to take chances. No one knew Paul's state of mind, and I didn't want to make any kind of mistakes that could cost me Jake, if he decided to show back up. Right when a deep yawn overcame me, I looked at the time and realized why I was so sleepy. I stretched and decided to head on up to bed. I had been up for a while, fulfilling the family tradition that we started when he was old enough to talk. Billy had told him a while ago, a legend about Santa coming to get his Christmas list on the 17th of Dec.

He even told him he had to leave out specific sprinkled sugar cookies. By morning, Jake would get up and discover everything gone, little did he know, that Charlie was the one who took the list and Billy gobbled down the cookies, leading him to believe Santa really did come. I smiled at the memory. Jake would be so excited, he'd make sure that the night before Christmas there was plenty of cookies and goodies for Santa. This year was no different, we did the whole shebang. We baked together, made his list together, and fell asleep on the couch together, watching frosty the snowman. Spending time with Jake within my arms was fantastic, but I was not going to enjoy wasting those cookies, or getting up at the ass crack of dawn to steal his list from him, but I would do anything to keep him happy.

I set my clock for 5:50am to get rid of the evidence, and striped out of my pajama bottoms and slipped under the warm, electric blanket I had on my bed. Unlike other nights, knowing Jake was safe now, I drifted off into a peaceful sleep….

**2:00am…**

Thump…Thump…THUMP

My eyes flew open and I lay rigid. …THUMP….

I sat up quickly and my mind instantly switched to mama bear mode. I reached behind me and pulled the shot gun from under my pillow. I slowly swung my legs across the edge of my bed and placed my feet softly on the carpeted floor. The gun was already loaded, and from the grunts I heard outside, I was going to be pounding a bullet in someone's chest tonight. I surveyed my surroundings, looking for any silhouettes, and found nothing threatening in my room. Satisfied, I saddled the gun on my side and slipped out of my room without a sound. I tip-toed out into the hallway, keeping my back on the wall and moved as quick as could on the balls of my feet. I checked out Jakes' door, and pushed it open slightly. To my relief, he was sleeping soundly, I would've smiled at the sight, if I weren't about to blow someone's balls off. I softly closed his door, and silently made my way downstairs, if I was pointing the gun I would've shot it. I could see the silhouette of the intruder by the backdoor window. I aimed the gun right at his head. But before I could shoot, he started to move to the windows. I followed him from room to room, pointing my gun at every window he tried to enter. I felt a pang of smugness at how secure the house was, but it instantly faded, when I heard him fall into the bathroom. From the noise he was making, it really sounded like he was fucking shit up, and I wanted him out of my house now.

"Fuck," I spat, as I stayed in the shadows, getting reading to confront him. Whoever this dip-shit was, he wouldn't make it out of here unharmed. I could hear him spitting curses as he opened the bathroom door, peering around it, as if to see if anyone was around. _"What a jackass, I can't believe he thinks no one heard him tearing the bathroom up," _I thought, as I narrowed my eyes to get a good look at him. I couldn't see his face, but I could see his blobby body and what he was wearing.

"_Are you kidding me?" _I thought, as my jaw dropped. _"Who robs a place in a Santa suit? And how the fuck did he fit through the window?"_

I brought my hand up and removed the hair from my face. My forehead had begun to sweat because of my nerves, but I made sure my grip on the gun was solid. I aimed my gun at him as he turned and headed towards the stairs. I turned my nose up at how nasty he was, his pants were riding up, and he stuck his hand in his ass and pulled them out.

"Disgusting prick," I whispered and I stalked behind him.

I froze in my spot when he stopped at the bottom of the stair case and whipped his head to the side.

I kept the gun aimed at him but I darted my eyes to see what he looking at, and I almost dropped my gun.

His lumpy ass was fixated on MY cookies that I baked. Enough was enough! And the only thing I was going to let him indulge in was a bullet in the ass. I waited for a few minutes as he dropped to his knees, and fondled the fucking plate, like those were the last cookies he'd ever eat. I listened to how sloppy he ate, he was nom, nom, nomming and moaning his ass off, grunting like a pig as he stuffed his face. By the time I was close enough to him to get a good shot, I almost lost my lunch when I saw the crack of his hairy ass in the moon light. I got myself together when he started licking the plate. His guard was fully down and I had him right where I wanted him.

I took off the safety of the gun as the loud snap echoed off the walls. He froze and his body went rigid as I bellowed, "Freeze mother fucker or I'll blow your ass off!"…

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	3. Crazy Wench

**Yeah yeah yeah. Late right? I know, this chapter took A WHOLE day to write. Happy reads. Partially beta'd, i'll post the re-beta'd version when i get it back sorry (cullensmother05) I had to post earlier i'll switch it soon. Next chapter probably later on tonight, some days might be double or triple updates, so be on the lookout.**

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Ed. P.O.V

"_Freeze mother fucker or I'll blow your ass off!"… _

Fuck. My. Life.

Of all the shittiest things to have ever happen in my life, this, by far, takes the cake. Not only did I drop the plate, but I dropped the last three cookies I had left to go along with it. My heart ached when my eyes zeroed in on the soft, succulent, sugary, sprinkled morsels resting on her filthy floor. "She can hold a gun to my ass, but she can't manage to pick up a broom. Forks' own Martha Stewart ladies and gentlemen", I thought sourly. It was all her fault. If she hadn't have threaten to blow my ass off, I probably would've been able to save them, and that thought only made me more pissed off than I already was. This night had turned chaotic and I needed to find a way out of the range of her gun, out of this house, note in tow, with my ass intact with no extra, makeshift holes.

"Put your goddamn hands up and turn around slowly."

I put my hands up in surrender while she continue to bellow commands at me. Nothing pissed me off more than being told what to do especially by a mortal. She was on strike two of my annoyance as the click of the gun snapped loudly again. I jumped at the sounds and did as she commanded.

You might be thinking, "_If you're immortal, why are you scared of the gun?"_ Well, to be honest, even though we can't die, we can still get hurt. We won't die from a gunshot wound, but the pain will be unbearable and the wounds take just as long to heal, as a human. , and If I can avoid it, I'd do anything to get out having to lie on my stomach for weeks due to bullet to ass pain. I was brought out of my musings, when I heard her screaming like a banshee. I couldn't for the life of me, figure out what I had just done wrong.

"Don't turn around too fast punk!" she said, hissing through her teeth. I bit my top lip to contain the laugh that slowly bubbled through my chest. Her voice was soft and sweet. She sounded like a child. I thought I could turn around and turn on the charm, but when I turned around I wasn't met by the face of a sweet girl. I was met by the barrel of a large gun. It was pointed right in the middle of my face.

I tried to speak but she beat me to it, "Go ahead, make my day," she spat. I rolled my eyes at the mini Clint Eastwood, and assessed the situation. There would be no way I could grab the gun with out hurting her, or myself, and possibly the child upstairs. I only had one defense, and with her threatening to blow off the first body part that twitched on me, wasn't helping me to get to it any better.

"Why are you in my house, after my son, eating my fucking Christmas cookies, you lunatic," she sneered, as she steadied the gun.

I was quiet and irritated, I didn't want to talk, and I wanted to go home in one whole piece, but when she screamed at me to answer, I fucking gave it to her.

"I ate MY cookies, because you left them out for me. They were MINE! YOU CRAZY WENCH!" I snapped.

"Left them out for you? I don't even know you. Is that all you heard was cookies? Are you some sort of freak? Why the hell are you in my house? Why are you after Jake!" she screamed again.

"His list," I said simply.

"You broke into my house, for cookies and a list and called me a wench, right," she said, more to herself than me.

I rolled my eyes, waved my hand to distracted her, "Look lady, I just came here to-," I trailed off, as I eased my hand down to my pocket, trying to get a hold of the memory dust I had there. But boy oh boy was that a mistake, Annie Oakley pulled the trigger, she didn't even question what I was trying to do before she reacted.

I instinctively cowered back from the blast, waiting to feel the bullet rip through my flesh, I knew for sure that I would pass out from the pain, but it never came. No pain, no darkness, no screaming, and definitely no scent of blood. My eyes were closed and I felt small specks of heat, sprinkle across my face. I opened one eye to see that the blast was frozen in time. The light was bright and a fist sized bundled of fire and metal, were mere inches from my face. She was a helluva shot, I give her that much. Suddenly the light switched on and I groaned at the brightness.

"You know, I saw this happen in the future glass, but I didn't think she would actually do it, Good thing Carlisle told me to trail you right?" A calm voice teased.

My body stiffened. I knew that voice anywhere. He went by many names, Sand man, Father time etc, but to us, we knew him as….

"Jasper," I seethe. "You knew she would do this you DICK! And you didn't have the decency to stop me before hand?" I screamed at him.

He only shook his shaggy blonde hair and narrowed his eyes at me, " I wanted to watch you piss your-self when she pulled that trigger, you've always been too cocky, it'd have been nice to see you humbled by a mere mortal." he snickered. " Had you drank that milk, you'd be standing in your own juice," he said, with a slight grimace.

z88;

"Did you aim to grow up a dick? What did you do to her?" I asked, as I moved around the frozen blast.

I bent over and grabbed the plate and dirty cookies, suddenly saddened that they were soiled. With a snap of my fingers the plate and tarnished cookies vanished.

Jasper stood against the wall as I did my surveys of the house making sure nothing was out of place, before we left.

"I stopped time for a fragment of a second so you could home with you're head attached," he ribbed, as I shot a glare at him.

"So what are you going to do with her?" I questioned, as he walked up briskly to her. I tilted my head to the side as he held out his hand right in front of her face. His palm was filed with a thick looking gold powder. He brought it up to his mouth and gently, blew across it as powder spread across her face. She instantly slacked and dropped the gun. I picked it up and placed it against the wall as he laid her on the floor.

"What are you doing? Bring her upstairs," I said incredulously.

"I can't. You're going to have to do it, I have something a little bit smaller to take care of," he said, as he gestured to the little tanned skin boy, frozen in the act of wiping his eye with his sleeve.

"Oh."

"Yeah, Oh! Idiot, just get her upstairs so we can go home. I'm sure everyone could use the laugh," he said, with a smirk.

I scowled at the traitor whom called himself my friend, no matter what the situation may entail, he always enjoyed humiliating me.

Ignoring his snickering, I picked up the little murdering wench, with extreme ease. She weight next to nothing as I carried her bridal style up the stairs. There were three doors at the top of the stairs and it didn't take long for me to find her room. I turned on the lamp and pulled her covers back, as I laid her down gently on the soft mattress. My hand accidentally grazed the bare skin of her arm and there was a strong buzzing feeling that shocked all the way up my arm. It was almost vibrating. When I took my hand away, I heard her sigh. My eyes ran over her face and I couldn't look away. This was my first time seeing her, minus the gun she had crammed in my face. If it wasn't for the gun, I would've been able to notice how utterly beautiful she was, for a mortal woman. She was absolutely gorgeous. I stared at her unabashed like a late-night stalker. I couldn't help myself. Everything about her had begun to draw me in: her porcelain skin, her plump, subtle lips, her nose, her thick hair, and all it took, was only one look. Every small touch I made on her arm sent the odd vibrating feeling through my body. It was a different type of attraction that developed for right there. Something about her was fascinating, and I suddenly wanted to know what it was. When that thought hit, I jerked my entire body back. This was forbidden amongst our kind. We aren't to touch the skin of a mortal, touching could lead to talking, talking leads to questions and those questions lead to answers, that I can be punished for giving. I tore myself away from my fascination this was dangerous, I could feel an invisible anchor trying to weigh me where I stood, but I knew I had to ignore it. I stood to leave, and took one last look at her peaceful form and cut off the lights before hurrying down the hall.

"Here I'm sure you're going to need this," Jasper said handing me the child's list, as we met at the top of the stair case. I sighed with relief as we walked down the stairs and headed out of the front door instead. Once we were out, Jasper clapped his hands before I could even locked the door. A loud bang sounded and both sets of our eyes went wide as the old grandfather clock had begun to toll. The asswipe started time too early, and not only that he forgot all about the bullet.

As I scrambled to lock the door, before she could wake again.

"Jasper, you douche," I whisper-yelled as I eyed him running full speed to the side of the house.

"Look at them, they both fail at life," Blizten snapped, when Jasper used some magic to shoot us to the roof.

"You ever thought about doing something right?" Blitzen asked, sending the rest of them into a set of giggles.

"You ever thought about shutting the fuck up?" I retorted, as the other reindeer and Jasper, ooohed at him, waiting for his come-back.

All that I was met with was silence and on the inside I was fist pumping with victory.

It's not everyday I one-up him and I was feeling damn proud that I FINALLY got the last word when he huffed and turned around.

"What the hell are ya'll looking at, Let's go!" he said sourly, as the smirk on my face grew into a wide smile.

Cullen: 1 Blitzen: 0

This winded up being a good night after all…

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**Thanks for reading sweets.**


	4. Mashed Taters

**********Sometimes, i really hate the gliches here on fanfic. But thank u to Jennsull and cullensmother05.********

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************Edward P.O.V**

"So then, he gets his pants caught on the plant siding, and crashes to the ground ass up!" Jasper howled, as he retold the story to the family. The room erupted in laughter, and my faced flushed red from embarrassment. I bent my head lower pretending the soup was the most interesting object at the table as they all got their kicks. " Oh Eddie baby, stop being so sour!" Alice said, as I growled at her when she pinched my cheek. I jerked away from her and ducked down to stuff myself with more soup.

We had just gotten back a few minutes ago and with our luck, we were right on time for dinner. Alice and some of the other elves took over the care of the reindeer and the sleigh as we unloaded the List bags to bring them to the Elves' quarters.

I noticed that right when she grabbed the reins from my hand, she immediately had Japer's attention. When they had begun to walk away, Jasper almost gravitated towards her as she entered the barn until he caught me looking at him. He had stopped and narrowed his eyes at me and I could've sworn I heard a growl coming from him. Before I could question what his problem was, a creepy smile formed across his face as he bellowed, "Guess what happened!" Which eventually led us to the current conversation that unfortunately, and humorously, surrounded me.

I glared daggers at each and everyone of them, chuckling like everything was so goddamned funny. No one cared about how the assignment went, or that I completed it with a small mishap. All they cared about was getting their laughs and I had just about had enough of it. I wanted revenge on that ball licking Old Timer, and I didn't care whether it ruined dinner or not. I was going to get this conversation off of me, if it was the last thing I did…..And I did.

I stood up abruptly bringing attention to myself, by picking up my crystal glass and tapping my knife against it, like they do in those fancy smancy movies. But unlike those movies, my glass shattered in my hand, from the force I used with the knife. I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks. You could hear the stifled laughter around the table, every last one of them, snickering like high school brats. I took a deep breathe to calm myself down and placed the remainder of the glass on the table with a sheepish smile and dusted my hands of any remnants left. I cleared my throat and began to make my announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make," I said, proudly.

"I think we figured that much out," Jasper said, with a smug smile that I wanted to punch off his face.

I rolled my eyes at him and pretended I didn't hear a word come out of his smart ass mouth and continued, "It has occurred to me that, one of our own, has found a love interest."

The look on Jasper's face was priceless, it had went from smug, to confused, then to livid, when he saw my eyes lock on him.

"It appears our very own Jasper, is partial to elv-" I choked, because in the blink of a eye, Jasper had screamed, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" and jumped across the table and clasped his hands around my throat.

I was laughing, and choking at the same time. Tears were coming down my face, but I soon got angry because he wouldn't let go. I grabbed his hair on both sides of his head and dug the pad of my thumb in his eyes.

"My eyes!, My Hair!" he screamed, as we swung each other around the room, bumping and thrashing into God knows what. I could hear crashing and things breaking, but I didn't pay attention. I was too busy getting the nutcase off of my throat.

The room erupted in shouts and pleas but I ignored them all. When Jasper's hand finally loosened I pushed him back and delivered a swift blow to his eye. He flew back and landed in the middle of the table, as it broke in half under his weight. I couldn't help it. A loud laugh coughed up my chest and I was in hysterics. His face contorted in anger and his fist clenched. He was breathing heavily as he spoke, "You don't know…Anything!" he yelled, as he tossed a heap of mashed potatoes at me. I ducked and jumped back proud that he had poor aim. "Ha!" I shouted, but the room was suddenly silent and everyone was staring behind me. I slowly straightened up, and turned around, only to find that Esme, was standing stock still, with a face full of mashed potatoes. Her body was shaking and I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I tried to take a step towards her, but she was already moving towards Jasper.

"I'm so sorry Esme, I…I didn't mean to. Edward just…Please forgive me," he said, as we all watched her close in on him. She wiped her face with her hands, holding some of the offend food in it, shaking it as if she were weighing it. I couldn't see her expression, but I saw Jasper's as she wiped the offending potatoes on his face, and in his hair. He slapped his face with the taters until everyone fell out laughing, at a bamboozled Jasper. He just stood there in shock for a moment before he frantically bent over grabbing whatever he could and pelted her with a handful of peas. I laughed so hard I doubled over as the food fight began between all of them.

I slyly backed myself out of the living room and into the hallway to watch them have their fun.

Alice ran out into the hallway where I was dodging the slinging food, and stopped on side of me, trying to catch her breathe.

"It's nice to see everyone so happy isn't it?" she asked, as her eyes twinkled at the family's antics.

"Happy?" I scoffed. " Dysfunctional yes, happy, I don't know about all that." I laughed.

She punched me in the arm and I cowered back as if it hurt. She laughed and gave me a warm hug before ruffling my hair with her tiny hands. All of a sudden, her hand stilled.

I turned to her, "What's wrong Alice?" I asked, as I took in her wide eyes.

"Your hat Edward, where is your hat? I don't remember you wearing it when you came back" she said, as her voice quivered.

Shit…..

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**Cookieward and I aren't really in a happy mood right now, so i hope u guys enjoyed it. Review it if u feel like it, i just don't care right now.**


	5. All ABout Losh!

To Help A Boy

Close your eyes.

No, seriously close your eyes.

Now take a deep breath and keep them closed.

I want you to picture yourself, wait. Keep them closed, I'm not finished.

I want you to picture yourself pregnant, round with child and incredibly happy about your little one coming into the world.

I want you to picture being excited for the birth, smiling, grinning and overjoyed for the healthy baby moving inside you.

Now I want you to imagine giving what you thought to be a healthy birth, only to find out there is complications.

Complications.

It's a word many families dread, fear, and despise when it comes to the health of newborn infants and small children alike.

So many things in this world that can complicate a little ones health, but with today's technology, we have the opportunity to save millions of lives.

However, with everything there comes a price and I'm asking you to open your heart and mind to the story of a young boy who was brought to my attention by chance, from a tweet on my twitter page.

~*About Aloshua~*

On May 18, 2005, Aloshua (Losh) was born three and a half months premature. His family had been through a premature birth before and thought they were prepared for the battle to come, but the simple truth is that you just can't prepare for a special child like Aloshua.

Aloshua's first hours of life were so critical that it was nearly twelve hours later before anyone on his neonatal team noticed the open hole in his back. When his family arrived in the neonatal intensive care unit to visit Aloshua the morning after his birth, they learned that he had spina bifida, needed an oscillator to keep him breathing, and would need to be transferred to Arkansas Children's Hospital for surgery as soon as he was stable enough to come off of the oscillator.

By the time he was two days old, they'd learned that he had an Arnold Chiari Malformation (ACM), severe lung problems, a genetic defect, and a hole in his heart. At only four days old, he had his first surgery to repair the open hole in his back from spina bifida.

Within days of his first surgery, the fluid build up in his lungs was reaching critical levels. His head was growing so large from hydrocephalus that doctors were desperate to get him into surgery to place a shunt. They started an entirely new round of drugs to address the fluid build-up and he underwent his second surgery (to place the shunt) before he was a month old.

Three months later, Aloshua was allowed to go home for the first time since he was born. By November, however, his family and medical team began to grow concerned over his weight. He ate three times what a baby twice his age ate, and continued to lose weight rapidly. He was hospitalized again, and the family received more bad news.

.Aloshua's intestines and appendix were on the wrong side of his body. He had hernias and a hole in his diaphragm. He needed another surgery to repair the hernias and shift his intestines and remove his appendix. So, he had another surgery. And then another. And another. And another.

A few short months later, Aloshua became seriously ill and was rushed back to the hospital. Somehow, MRSA had gotten into his shunt and caused a serious staph infection. He was rushed into surgery to remove the shunt and place a temporary drain tube. Over the next weeks, he dropped back down to eight pounds while his medical team worked to rid him of the infection so the shunt could be replaced.

While in recovery from the shunt replacement, he coded again. He spent days in a medically induced coma in intensive care, fighting off pneumonia that seemed to have developed overnight. He was so swollen during those days that he didn't even look like the same baby who'd been so tiny just days before. Despite the setbacks, he pulled through it as he always did and got to go home again.

But he'd stopped growing once again.

At a year old, it was evident that his medical team could risk waiting for him to grow no longer. He weighed only twelve pounds and was eating 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via G-Tube. He could not lift his head, sit up or hold his own pacifier. He had these huge, serious eyes and this tiny little body. He'd already had a shunt, two revisions, a G-Tube, was on oxygen 24/7, and was in and out of the hospital for lung problems weekly, but it was far from over for him.

He was fitted with a trach shortly after his first birthday and coded once again. A blood clot had developed in his trachea from surgery and cut off his oxygen supply. Another emergency surgery later, he was once again stabilized, but there was more bad news to come. The doctors were no longer confident that he could handle breathing on his own. He would need to be on a ventilator 24/7, possibly for years.

For five months, his mom (Courtney) and brother (Kaia) lived at the hospital, waiting for Losh to grow big enough to go home once more. During those months, entire lives reordered.

His brother was taken out of daycare because the infection risk to Aloshua was too great. His family temporarily relocated from their hometown to an apartment near the hospital in Little Rock. What had once been his nursery was transformed into an at-home intensive care unit.

When he finally got to go home again, he came with more medical equipment than anyone knew what to do with: A ventilator. 2 suction machines. Oxygen. An IPV machine. A feeding machine. A pulse-oximeter. Trachs. A stander. A walker. Leg braces.

A brown paper grocery bag of medication. Boxes of urine catheters, of suction catheters, of trach ties, special soaps, drain sponges, expensive formulas and blenderized foods, feeding bags, syringes...Ventilator, Pulse-Oximeter & Oxygen

It was never a hardship for his mom though, and, with the help of family and friends, she's managing to give Aloshua the normal childhood he so desperately deserves.

His journey is far from over though. He is six years old now and only recently learned to pull up on furniture without help and to walk with the aid of braces and a walker.

He's had nineteen different surgeries, has speech, occupational and physical therapy four days a week and weighs only thirty-two pounds. Part of his diaphragm is paralyzed, his lungs are damaged, and his doctors are concerned about the health of his kidneys.

He's been in and out of the hospital since birth, is tube fed, and requires the use of a portable ventilator each night. His immune system is compromised, he has to wear a face mask when out in public, and he only recently began to talk.

Despite all he has endured, Losh is the happiest, most intelligent child you will ever meet. He has a ready smile, an easy laugh, and greets each day with the spirit of a champion. When he pushes himself through the store in his little wheelchair, everyone he comes across stops to speak with him and leaves with a smile on their faces.

~*About Losh~*

So here we are as a fandom, once again asked to help one of our own. I put myself in the mindframe of if this was my child…

So it is with a pure heart, I come to you all asking for you to help in any way you can to help lighten some of the burden this family has had with medical expenses and equipment for Losh. Their family is one of fandom and we aren't anything if we can't help ourselves. Let's do what we can to help this sweet little boy receive the care he needs.

**What is needed for Losh:**

**In addition to the intensive treatments these children require every day, often for their entire lives, these children often require in-home nursing care, and are faced with inadequate insurance guidelines, a lack of adequate medical treatment, and a lack of necessary resources. **

**In our state, for instance, there is only one hospital that is equipped to deal with a kid like Aloshua: Arkansas Children's Hospital. Families with children like him are faced with long trips to the hospital, (sometimes as much as five and six hour long trips) for doctors appointments and check-ups. Because medical personnel at local hospitals are not trained to deal with these children, do not have the equipment to treat these children, and often are too afraid to even attempt basic stablization, a medical emergency for these children can be a death sentence.**

**Inadequate insurance guidelines leave these children and their families footing the bill for life-saving medical expenses that are by no means easily covered. Aloshua's first two days of life came with an $80,000.00 hospital bill. His first year of life came with a nearly $1 million dollar bill. When doctors appointments, therapy and hospitalizations are excluded, his medical expenses every month total as much as $15,000.00. And he is not the only child with similar expenses. In Arkansas, there are nearly 400 patients like Aloshua who face these same expenses and obstacles every day.**

**Many of these families have joined together to help one another out by collecting the supplies that insurance companies do not pay for and distributing them to one another. For instance, insurance may only pay for one trach every six months in Arkansas and an unlimited supply of suction caths, but insurance in Nebraska may provide 1 trach every month and only 30 suction caths. So these families work together and send one another excess supplies to help alleviate the costs left behind by inadequate insurance guidelines. It reduces some of the burden, but these families are still left with thousands of dollars in expenses. **

**And that is why we're here today. Aloshua's mom is facing nearly $20,000.00 in necessary expenses at the moment and needs our help to ease that burden and ensure that Losh is able to receive the treatment he needs until his doctors can get through the red-tape and get his insurance provider to pick up the tab. In that vein, we've started a Team Losh Fund to help her raise the funds to cover those expenses between now and January 15th, 2012. **

**So what are they raising money for and how much?**

**$9,000.00 for a two month supply of Tobi, an inhalation antibiotic used to treat a potentially fatal pseudomona infection in his lungs.**

**$5,609.19 for an IPV (intrapulmonary percussive ventilation) system used to deliver inhalation medication directly to his lungs and break up mucus to keep his airways clear.**

**$3,500.00 to get Aloshua's van repaired. A rod in the engine has broken and his family is currently living 60 miles from the hospital with no consistent mode of transportation to and from appointments and therapy. **

**It's a lot of money, and unfortunately, it is all necessary to ensure that Aloshua can continue to thrive. **

**~~*What we can Do!~~***

**Unfortunately, The family simply cannot come up with $18,000.00 at the moment, and Aloshua is wait-listed for the programs that will help cover these expenses (such as the Medicaid Waiver program). His medical team is trying to get patient assistance approved for the Tobi, but at this point, it doesn't look like they will be successful before his next cycle begins. So They are turning to all of us for help. **

**They are not asking for something for nothing. Those who donate are given something back, so they will be delivering a fandom compilation to donors, selling Team Losh gear, and raffling off prizes to donors as well. **

**If you would like to sign up to write a story for the compilation, to donate a prize, to design an item for the store, or to help in any other way, you will find the information you need on here on the blog. You will also find information about Aloshua and, as the fundraiser progresses, ways you can advocate for and help other children like him. **

**~*Where I come In~~***

**I will not only be donating. But I will Be donating graphic designs for the merchandise I believe and will be writing for the Compilation. **

**Where you come in on my part-**

**I'm undecided on what to write. So I'm turning to you. Would you like an Outtake/Futuretake of this story or something new?**

**With Cambion:(Futuretake)- Edward and the nudger years after The birth. It won't hurt the story to read this. **

**Not so Average- (Futuretake)- 20 years after the prologue (again. Won't hurt the story.)**

**Living Amongst Hell- (Outttake)- ( The birth of A princess. (New characters birth and purpose.) Will not be in Living amongst hell at all. **

**Halloween and other meaningless tales. (One shot)-Something new. **

**Ghost.-Renessmee has to trace her family tree, although she finds her family quite boring she takes on the task by starting with the graveyard. She takes pictures of the grave stones and names, while using her trusty notepad to write down dates and inscriptions. As the evening comes, she relaxes with a healthy apple, leaning against a headstone when her imagination runs wild. What she'll discover there will not only be a gift, but a glimpse into a previous life lost. Rated G Fantasy Romance.**

**If there is something else you would rather have me write., please leave a review or email me through the site. **

**Thank you all for reading and don't forget to visit this blog to donate. More and more authors are signing up and if you can don't contribute your writing skills! It's for a very great cause. **

**Here is the link to the blog, Hope you all have a great day! VIST THE BLOG AT **teamlosh . blogspot . com Just remove the spaces when you put it in your browser.

*Hugs and kisses to you all*

To those of you the email, face book, twitter, and gchat me with encourage for writing and school I love you all the most and I'll try to update as soon as I figure out what to write for this compilation.


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